Maybe it’s irony but our Positively Celebrity “celebrities” sometimes behave rather…er…well, positively un-positive. But that’s not our fault. And since we owe it to our readers to keep them informed it’s only fair that we give the whole news and nothing but the news. So here goes our very first “Un-Positively Celebrity” rap sheet:
From the “We Knew He Wouldn’t Let Us Down” Category: The first honor goes to…DMX! As we said way back in August (the 18th to be exact), we can always count on this guy to keep us in the criminal loop.
This time he’s back in the slammer after “allegedly” missing a court appearance. (What the crap is “allegedly”? Either he showed up or not.) DMX (aka Earl Simmons, as he’s known in the justice system) failed to report to court recently in Phoenix. Miami police picked him up and he’s soon to ship out to Arizona where he’ll face charges of drug possession (which would explain a lot), identity theft (which he apparently resorted to after “blowing” all his cold cash) and animal cruelty (hey, a guy’s gotta work).
I said it back then and I’ll say it again: stay tuned…there’s always another DMX story down the road.
From the “…But Officer, These Are PRESCRIPTION Drugs” Category: Congratulations to Heather Locklear for her erratic driving behavior back in September.
After trying to reason why she shouldn’t get cited, an investigation revealed that she should just be busted like everyone else who drives under the influence. The former primetime serial queen was finally charged with one misdemeanor count of DUI, a far cry better than the vehicular manslaughter charge her actions could have caused had she not been stopped.
Her arraignment date is scheduled for January 26, 2009. Kudos to the police for stepping up and realizing the seriousness of the situation. Doesn’t matter the drugs were prescribed; it’s dangerous.
I like Heather. Always have. But driving without all your mental faculties is…well, senseless. Note to Heather: I know it’s been a little difficult as of late but pull yourself together, baby girl. It ain’t that serious.
From the “I’ll Do Anything for Another 15 Minutes of Fame” Category: Our shout-out goes to Mary Delgado. What’s that? Don’t recognize the name? Yeah, that’s the point.
Some people will do anything to keep in the public eye. Delgado was a winner of ABC’s The Bachelor a few seasons back. That’s “The Bachelor”…you know, the show about men dating lots of women and…nevermind.
Anyway, Delgado was recently arrested after a drunken binge that ended with a fight with the police. Way to keep your name in the rags, Mary.
Our winner in the “You’re No Jack Bauer!” Category goes to the baddest man on the small screen: Keifer Sutherland. It breaks my heart to know that 24’s Bauer (aka Kiefer Sutherland) is really…(gulp!)…just an actor!
In a recent interview, Sutherland replayed his seven-week ordeal with two words: no smoking. Come on, Kiefer! Bauer would never complain about a small inconvenience as that. My word man – he’s broken up terror cells with a thought! Brought down an entire regime with one phone call (and a bit of armament) – and saved the President of the United States (the second guy; first one bit the bullet).
My point is: suck it up, dude! It was seven weeks! In county jail. County, for goodness sakes! That’s like recess for vagrants. Sutherland, it pains me to say, but you’re no Jack Bauer. (Sob, sob.) I’m crying here. Really. I am.
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